It feels like some people were systematically chosen to play the part of a villain upon coming into this world. Whether their choice to be one or willingness to become one is there, they will always fill the role in someone's story.I found out, in my life, I was chosen to play that part. I don't want to be one, and I make every effort not to be one, yet I am outcasted despite it all. Set up for some grand lie that others pin on me and their delusions of rumors blossom into a wonderful coup.The cycle continues for many years. Lies and betrayal still fallen in my wake to ruin me. I have a good year or two and then I must begin again. Fate tends to play her cruel games on me, perhaps I am one of her favorite subjects.Despite it all, so long as I am breathing I still have the ability to get up and try again. Over and over and over and over again. When I die is when I give up, and I still fight regardless of the expected outcome.I still show kindness, and a smile. I extend my hand out to those in need, so long as I am able to while keeping my own wellbeing in check. I still will continue to save lives over and over as I have before so long as I am able to.This has not been without its benefits though, through my twisted and warped view I chose another route. Given being the subject of abuse for decades, I learned a lot about manipulation, I even grew to love the concept. For those that I love and trust and are willing to understand and listen, I teach them manipulation, and how to avoid harmful manipulation by realizing signs. However, manipulation can also be used for good. Manipulation itself is taking control of a situation, so long as you know how to play with emotions and understand them well, you can create heartfelt beautiful situations and lasting memories with people, with nothing but your words, perhaps some music, and waiting for the perfect opportunity.It's funny, and beautiful. Turning something that nearly everyone sees as a horrible practice into something more kind. So as long as its genuinely for a positive outcome for all parties involved.

• Back

Yet. I can't help but wonder.When can I finally take a break. When can Fate leave me be for a good long few years. Both the mental and physical issues that have seemingly popped up out of nowhere.When can I hang up the mantle of the villain in this life, and just be seen as a hero?A tired hero, who had hung up their coat, kicked back, and relaxed with their loved ones.Let me breathe easily, without this pain in my chest every single day for the past few years. My withering heart yearns for peace, and my tireless mind seeks answers.Why are so many humans cruel? At this rate, I can't see myself as a human anymore.

We all walk upon interwoven paths,
a tapestry of one's journey that is laced from the tales of others.
Everyone is crafted from the emotions and actions of
the people that we have come to experience in the story of their own life.Each story, is one to tell.
Be it a tale of virtuous deeds.
Be it a tale of harrowing caution.
Be it a tale of nothing more than a humble servant, or a mighty leader.
All stories are worth remembering
so we may decide if their paths are worth following, or better off avoiding.So help yourself, and do not lie to yourself or others.
Do not act two-faced, even to your adversaries.
Live and die in laughter, find answers in sorrow.
Each experience is a lesson to grow and learn.

• Back

Those who I will hold close to my soul.
❖Eclipse Ryoko❖
❖Sentinel❖
❖Vithkar❖
❖NHLQZ❖
❖Chessure❖
❖Atlas❖
❖Scherz❖
❖Actually Stoked❖
❖Dactary❖
❖Architect Senji❖
❖Megu❖
❖Liliruca Cheif❖
❖Obsidian❖
❖Cable❖
❖Maxxterccheif❖
❖Leranstel❖
❖Joy❖
❖Lieudtenant❖
❖Borg Cube❖
❖Wolfrum❖
❖Kaio Strain❖
❖Dye Maniac❖
❖Harken❖
❖Sussy Rock❖
❖Mook❖
❖Lola Moonchaser❖
❖Painful Melody❖
❖Majorrr❖
❖Treijim❖
❖Saori/Jaeden❖
❖Kanami/Oliver❖
❖Tyler❖
❖To those that stuck by me in Bloodwood❖
❖To the sparing partners of FHG❖
❖Haiden❖
❖Sol❖
❖Eradicator❖
❖Evoker❖
❖Charlie Barrett❖
❖Aiden Quinn❖
❖Cole Marlatt❖

"For sweet release that never arrives. Never a moment to heal as the next big adventure calls to you.

Never a chance to reminisce as you are swept by the current, but it's all that you know anymore. You carry on despite the odds stacked against you. Doing the same routine as it's the last feeling of normalcy that you find familiarity with.

You find yourself picking up old habits from people long gone from your life, yet you are stuck, frozen in time. Continue to wait for the lighthouse that went dark so many years ago, to find that the beacon you looked towards come back, to guide you on your way home. What does that mean to someone that is a wayfarer? When does the vagabond finally rest? When will your heart finally accept reality so you may put your mind and body at ease.

Keep pushing till it's safe. I know it's hard but you must. If not for you then for those that chose to cherish you, from near and afar. You are not alone."

Being a pacifist will only get you so far in life.
Staying ignorant will only hurt you in the long run.
Feigning innocence will only make you meek.
For as long as I am alive, I will fight in the ways that I can, in my own way.
For as long as I breathe then I am dependable, when I die is when I give up.
Sometimes though, its nice to be able to depend on others.
Its a luxury that I seldom have.

02/23/25 - TsarI watch as the weather dims, and the rain drops pitter against the umbrella. I smile, not just at the rain, not simply at the cooling breeze, but at the puddles around me, as the water flows down by my feet.
My eyes wander, looking at every reflection in search of you, as I cannot help but grin so stupidly at the sight of you, it ever so discrete.You are no stranger to me, for all I can see in those dreamy, broken eyes is a dimension not dissimilar to my own, a life led by familiar action.
I seek not more than your friendship, my dear, I seek nothing except your company, for I will admit one thing. If this rain were to stop in it's place, leaving just me and you, it is your embracing company I seek, not your attraction.I feel the world dim, for I cannot bare to watch you bury yourself so deep down.
What I would give, dear, to pull you up from that puddle and bring you up to my world so that I may bestow upon you a crown,
a crown meant for you, for you deserve your place so high up this mountain, for you deserve it due to your wits, your life, your smile, your actions, your voice and your mind.
A soul so battered, so slow, so withered, I seek to pay back it's lost deeds in kind, for I feel no one else will,
Come, my dear, and spend the last few days of your world, with my company upon this ashen hill.

02/24/25 - TsarI stare upon this canvas, looking at what had already been drawn upon it,
What had been left, from scars and scratches, to tears and cuts that I fear to admit.
And yet, what had been drawn was so beautiful, a sky so blue and trees so green,
breath-taking was the subject, a girl with long hair, a beautiful face, but such colourless eyes, pretty was the rest, yet the girl's eyes did not gleam.
This is not my piece, I thought,
I should not intervene.And yet, like the siren's call, the girl smiled to me, and whispered to me,
Pick up the brush, she whispered, like a siren's call to be set free.
And so, I painted. It was foreign at the beginning, to see the different technique of who came before,
my paint was thinner, each stroke of my brush rougher, every line taken in less stride,
And yet, I could not help but smile, within you my dear, I confide.For I never would seek to replace what you will forever wait for,
In saying that, I could never guarantee the canvas I truly seek,
So worry not, my sweet, as you will be treated with reverence forevermore,
You are not my masterpiece, you shall never be, if you'd let me speak,
But all the same, I gave you my all, and happy was I to add on to your peak.Wipe your tears away, dearest, let my shoulder be the rest for your cheek,
For as long as you will let me work on you, I will give you my all every day of the week.
I may use the wrong colour or paint out of line,
I will forever regret every mistake, even if you aren't mine.
I will promise you nothing I cannot, for I wish never to lie,
Yet, I am a sucker, devoted to giving it all to you small few,A day, a moment, a second, that I treat you wrong, blotch out a line for the wrong reason,
Never hesitate to reach for the gun, for if I have deteriorated that far, I am not meant for this realm or any other, so punish me for the treason.A self-portrait, a way of seeing myself, to stay true to what I behold,
I only ask that when you are taken back, or that I am done, or when I have made my last mistake upon that canvas, that you do not leave me in the cold.
Never did I mean to harm, never did I mean to exploit you,
If I did it all the same, perhaps I was never meant to see it through with you.
If you would humour me, dear Etherea, and keep me company as the storm clears,
Do not let go of my shoulder, as I will always be in need of yours, one of my greatest fears.For when the rain comes, and it always will,
All that there will be is your reflection and eternity will it take before I can pull you from this canvas for you to stand on the floor I step on.
- Mirror Mirror.

02/26/25 - TsarAlways have I used such elegant, masquerading words in my work, dancing around the meanings I hide in these arms I create, for you or anyone else.
Ever is it so difficult to find what the words under the words mean, and yet if I use only the words under, it would bring unwanted feeling, excess and hurt from the ringing of bells.I have written to you, about repair, to fix, and to add to your renewal, to hold your hand as the world is remade. No such dances, no such investigation will be warranted into this' poem's creation.
Let's begin, with my place up high on this mountain.How sweet it is, to see you so dreamily speak of becoming my will to live, to pick up the torch that so many other players had quit with, all for you to just hand it to the next volunteer.
I will forever appreciate that however I must be frank; it is not what I want, for a reason to go on can be found anywhere, and I have many, Etherea, my dear.
Do not let yourself be guided with such little fuel put into the lantern, for while I wish not to foreclear such whimsy, I seek not for you to get lost either.
I am unsure what I may want from you, and for this I am sorry, for I have no better goal for you to chase into the ether, but if you must pick one, let it not be that of my vital overseer.Your company has always kept me alive in the drowned city, given me purpose to seek, to explore it's magic.
I dare not tread the ground there without you, as only with you does it's essence glow for me, an apparent case of secondary homesick.You have immortalized yourself into a blur of angel and demon, for the horns and the halo interchange like blinks to the eye.
Admittedly, both I enjoy, for they offer me life in different ways, and when it is you, never did I mind crossing a line.
Angel, bringing me warmth and care, to envelop me in her wings when I am in sorrow, graciously to catch me when I fall.
Demon, tempting me to distract my mind from the dark, and in her arms I am hers now, and forever, as her soft whispers walls off my mind, enjoying myself to the siren's call.You have given me a hope, that in the bleakest of times will there be a candle in the dark, you helped me recover, tear me away from the web of a spider.
You remind me that I have a soul, even if it is shattered, and that I may feel, I may feel want, desire and warmth all the same, reminding me that to myself people can cater.
Attached am I to you, and for that I am thankful.
I fear that what we are going through is harmonoia, the ever present feeling of anxiety in the time of the peaceful.
Even worse, I fear that things may turn for the worst.. and for that I will act with caution, for if I don't, I will inevitably lose another world, another universe that will tear itself from me for what I have done.
And yet, you have spoiled me, bringing me company when I thought I would forever be alone, when I thought I would be back to where I had always been, in the dark and in the cold, dim-witted and alone.Thank you, for proving me wrong, my dear,
In showing me that in all my doubts, in the fear of myself,
I can still love parts of me; to appreciate myself, to appreciate people, and how much you have shown me the larger world, to subvert my own expectation to be the best version of myself, and teaching me so much.
Please, dwell in the past all you want, for all it does is let me stare into those dreamy eyes and allows me to forget the bitter and dark, and melt at your touch.
Thank you, Dear Etherea.

03/10/25 - TsarA word that I enjoy, I think best used for you is to be so seraphic, sweet, angelic and divine.
No, I know you may not think so, dear Etherea, but best believe your fate is not to drown. Heed me, so you may just find that small strand of silver line.Indeed, some nights were left cold, and abysmal, having to watch that reflection evanesce, not to have it grasp me as I rest, but I knew something.
I woke up, I woke up with a smile and joy coming to mind because I knew you were waiting for me, even in the grief, you were there, smiling for me, making me want to sing.Words hurt, that we know, and on those nights yours did especially, but to that I say thank you.
I am not as seasoned, I am no saint and I especially knew that you had every right to hurt me, that you were correct, that I was being stubborn.
Yet, it was not bad, for when I woke up, you were there to guide me and re-assure me, to help me act and highlight my own faults to fix what was wrong, and I appreciate that most of all, that you did not leave me to fix this puzzle on my own.We are not perfect, and we have a long journey ahead before that is the case, but proud am I of you, and trustful for your actions, and thankful that you do as much as you do for me.
I apologize for being the way I am, or the way I was, and I hope that I have helped break these problems of yours free.
Sweet will you always be, even when anger and grief is all you may see.
Mirror mirror on the wall, love me only and all.
- Vithkar

You are silly, you are helpful though Tsar.Nothing will come of this but I am very grateful nonetheless. Your words are touching and they grant me nothing but bliss. They bring me comfort and soothe my pain from when I have been hurt far too much. Hells, you're the one who understand how I work, there are few others. Nick, Senji, Obsidian, Scherz, Intelligencer, Stoked, so on so forth but its really just you and Nick that know most of what really goes on now of days.I truly thank you for helping soothe my heart, despite us both of our hearts being reserved for another person entirely different. It's poetic really if you think about it, a parallel as we walk different paths.Probably from an outside perspective what Nick and you are doing might be seen as toxic, but in reality its most likely the most healthy thing for me. Love is blinding, infatuating, and will absolutely destroy all sense of logic at least in my sense of ways. Diluting those boundaries and pathing a new way, learning how to love again in a much healthier way where logic can be applied will be much better for me as I will grow as a person, and will help me live as a person for myself.So thank you, we will pick up our pieces together, as we lean on one another and figure out how to go from here on out. Nick, I still want to figure out how to get you back with Kafi and I still want you to teach me Japanese. Tsar, both are an echo with one another, I want to push the boundaries of one another and find something of what an argument would be like, and how we would handle that, once we find that I want to see how we would recover. I also want you to teach me how to be better at graphic design so I can become better than Aiden, so that one day I can revel in that as I am hyper competitive and one day say "Look at me, are you proud Aiden?!" and hope that he gets competitive with me too like we were before. Its a pipe dream.I want to find many things with one another to do, there are steps we can take to rekindle our pasts and pave our futures. Its been a long 4 months since I met you all, its gonna be a whole lot longer from here on out. We are gonna make it work. I love the both of you. Thank you.

Well, if you want to know a bit more- I've lived and learned a lot throughout my life, experienced a whole lot as well. As time goes on I love to learn more things to teach people.
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I'm a philomath, with my raison d'etre being to experience all possible emotions.My dream job is to make watches so I study Horology in my free time.I wanted to be a video game developer and even went to college for that. Eventually that didn't work so I went into Medical Coding and Billing. I've learned some medical terminology and a few tricks but alas, that was also not for me.
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I'm an avid role-player and gamer, now practicing 3D modeling in hopes to witness my creations come to life in a digital sense.
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I've went back to my roots from when I was a child making Minecraft servers. I met a lot of likeminded and lovely people who stand by me to this day, and now I have fostered a community of my own, Zephaire. It takes a cut out of my budget but I am happy to call it a home of my own.
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Over the years, my memory has become faint, I've tried seeing doctors about it and thus far there is no underlining problems that have been discovered. So please be patient with me if I do forget often, its not on purpose.Furthermore, due to rising health concerns and problematic conditions, I've become quite lethargic. Forgive me if I appear to be tired at times, it doesn't mean that I am disinterested in you if we are speaking.
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Believe it or not, I'm not always scary or hostile. So as long as you talk to me outside of roleplay and your a decent human being I am a very likeable person.
If I'm hostile to you, then you already know the type of person you are.
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I desire to be remembered, and to make an impact on as many lives as I can touch. I fear that my own life will be short, so that if one day I pass without trace. I would be eternally grateful if I am immortalized in one way or another.
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Stay well and take care good soul.

• Back

Come, years of travel can weary a soul out. Let us take a moment together and enjoy the still life for a while shall we?

[Some phrases that have stuck with me through the years that people have told me.]"For Now and Forever More."
"Per Audacia Ad Astra."
"Come Hell or High Waters"
"We will learn to live this life on a gradient."
"Res Nullius."
"Seize All Tomorrows"
"When you were born, the people around you laughed and you cried. therefor, life your life so that when you die, you will laugh and the people around you will cry."
"Your feelings and emotions are valid, your actions, however, are not."
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Some aliases you may have known me by:
Luna, Harbinger, Esidus, Stygian, Dev, Asta, Yokuma, Advera, Nyxalti, Dawn, or Rayah.
Any of those names work.
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For those that never have gotten a proper goodbye, for those that I once saw you to be close to me, I'm sorry. Time is a healer to everyone, and back then I was not strong enough to face you and tell you the words that you deserved to hear. Selfish, that I have always been deep down in my core. Believe me on this, to those that I remember, your kindness and gratitude have not gone unappreciated.
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Curious of those that I hold close?
Those people can be found here.

Hey There Girliepop!Thats honestly such a cute thing to say, it fits ya.I am glad I met you honestly, from nothing but a co-worker alongside Infinity to someone that I can gossip and share secrets with.I appreciate you a lot, and I am glad you helped teach me a lot. I am glad you find happiness in your own body.I am also glad with a lot of deep talks I have had with you in terms of transgenderism. My views have changed to a point but I still remain a purist to a degree.You've always been a joy to talk to, and an amazing secret keeper.